Thoughts

Yesterday when I was testing the absorbency level of WA mom's shirt, she was trying to listen and trying to honor my request to not speak certain thoughts. I could tell this was taking a great deal of self-discipline on her part. Every fiber of her being wanted to refute what I was saying. She managed to do quite well although she did slip in one thing (and a half) before I cut her off. She said, "As much as anyone loves you, the Lord loves you more. It doesn't matter what you feel, this is true." The next words, that I so politely ended, I think were going to suggest I read, recite and remind myself of God's promises even if I don't believe them or they aren't ringing true. I told her no before she could finish but even as she said it I was thinking of the verse in Romans that tells us the words were written for our learning, so that through the comfort of the Scriptures we might have hope. It actually says "through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures..." I think I'll have to study that a little bit to figure out what it means...that is, when I decide to study anything again. So, anyway, that's something that is rattling around in my head.

I don't remember where I read it, but somewhere I ran across tips for getting through tough days. They included -- keep lists, cry, laugh, pray. My list looked like this:

1. Get up

2. Brush teeth

3. Change underwear

4. Cry

5. Brush hair if absolutely necessary

6. Pray for the day to end

7. Nap

8. Get up

9. Drink Mountain Dew

10. Cry

11. Nap

12. Cry

13. Get up

14. Tell mom work was fine when she calls (even if I didn't go to work)

15. Cry

16. Drink Mountain Dew; eat popcorn if someone else makes it

17. Pray for the day to end

18. Turn off phone at 8 p.m.

19. Take off clothes; throw in a pile

20. Go to bed

The only thing missing from my list was laughter. They say when you can laugh, you know you'll survive. Well, yesterday I had laughter - even if it was dark humor. I'm not going to write what struck me as funny - but I returned to it several times throughout the evening and each time it made me smile. Humans are dumb sometimes. Our logic is faulty.

So those are my rambling thoughts. No conclusions. No tidy wrap-ups. Still angry. Still have a lot of unspoken, unexpressed feelings but today I'm at work so it wouldn't really behoove me to nap and cry all day. The kids might think I've lost my mind. BTW, I love the word behoove.