Day Fifteen

Grief

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

It's Good Friday, so naturally, thoughts of death come to mind. Yesterday, my college friends lost their 8 yr. old son to brain cancer. Today is my Aunt Georgie's viewing. Death is all around. As I look out my classroom window I try to imagine the scene at Jesus' crucifixion. Was it like a parade at first? You know, people caught up in the excitement - feeding off others' energy - a feeling of expectation in the air? Were there people on the sidelines trying to make a quick buck - selling food or simple trinkets? Was there a sweet aroma in the air? The kind of scents you smell when you walk outside a fast-food restaurant? I'm just trying to picture it. I know hideous things were happening - but for the massive crowd gathered around - was it more of a party?

What about Christ's inner circle? What a contrast. Those that stuck around saw what their indifference cost their Lord, their friend. This man who washed their feet, who loved them deeply, this man they knew deep inside from countless hours spent in his presence, was being ripped apart before their very eyes. Was he even recognizable? How could they bear to see his shredded body endure even more pain as nails were driven into his flesh? Did they think, "What have I done?" as they watched him struggle to breathe? I can't imagine feeling his eyes find mine and hearing him ask, "Will you take care of my mom for me?" The guilt and sorrow I IMAGINE are almost too much to take in. And then, to stand there, to watch...that moment when life left his body. He was gone. They had killed him. Their silence was as much to blame for his death as the loud cries demanding his crucifixion. I know what it feels like to be in a room when death enters. You know it immediately. Everything changes. Even if that person has been unconscious, his soul is still there. That moment when the last breath is taken, when the soul escapes...the emptiness is overwhelming for those left behind. The crucifixion scene must have seemed surreal. When death occurred, did reality set in? He was gone. For all they knew, this was it. They would never see him again. They would never hear his laugh. They would never see his eyes twinkle. They would never pray together. They wouldn't fall asleep around the fire or wake up to his presence. He was gone. It was over. Death won.

Of course we know there is more to the story, which is why when I think of Aunt Georgie's or little Johnny's deaths, I don't feel total despair. But for today, I am going to think about what my life would be like if Christ's death had been permanent. I don't anticipate it being a very fun activity. I'll write what I come up with tomorrow.