Today we double celebrated my dad. It was Father's Day and ALSO his birthday. We had trout for dinner and I made him a cake...that was edible...yes, it was. Notice the candles. We were all out, so I improvised.
Since it's Father's Day, I picked some of my favorite Dad/Daughter pictures. I am blessed beyond words to have a man of such character, integrity, loyalty and devotion as my daddy. I know, in all the world, there is not a better father. God hand-picked the best for me.
The last part of the video is where we went trout fishing tonight. It's one of two spots at which I would like to have my wedding. If you turn up the volume you can hear the frogs and birds.
beau·ti·ful [byoo-tuh-fuhl] -adjective 1. having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, or think about 2. excellent of its kind
This is an outward image of the inward trek towards beauty. It's rough. Seriously.
Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't
believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." ~Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass
Today was the last day of chapel for the school year. An entire year with no mention of salvation or a personal relationship with the Lord. Even at the end - the parting message was, "I encourage you to take chapel with you." Take chapel with you...not "Take the Lord with you," not "Let me tell you how to make sure you are never alone." Take chapel with you. Ok, then. Nice.
I had music playing in the background on my computer today when the words of a song captured my attention:
You knew that I'd need a Savior.
I've been in kind of a funk for about a year. Living through loss. Learning how to go through the motions. Acting like I've got it all together when inside, most moments are a struggle. When someone you love dies - a hole is left where they used to be but at least you have the comfort of knowing that person loved you. When she died, she wasn't rejecting you. She was going Home. You remained precious and adored til the very end. The sorrow is great but there are things to which we can hold that bring comfort.
When a relationship dies, there is no such comfort. There is rejection. A feeling of finding yourself lacking. A person who knew you better than anyone decided you weren't worth the effort it takes to make a relationship succeed. It is a devastating blow. When a married couple divorces, it is the death of a partnership that was supposed to last forever. The person didn't die. They chose to leave. And yet - even in divorce - there are support groups. People expect you to be sad. Those that love you hurt for you. They try to support you. They know that dreams have been shattered. What do you do when you aren't married? When the relationship you lost isn't as visible? There aren't vows friends take to stick with each other 'til death separates us. There aren't ties of blood that bind us. Yet, I believe God provides in a special way for His single children. The friendships can be deeper, the ties can be stronger, the commitments can be more intense. What happens when that is gone?
The person to whom I gave written instructions for my health care, should I become unable to make decisions, won't even know I'm in the hospital. The person to whom I gave details of my funeral probably won't even know when I die. The person who was supposed to sit in a white rocker on a front porch surrounded by lilacs when we were old and widowed has chosen to be absent from my future. What do you do with those feelings of rejection? Of helplessness? Of despair? Of ANGER? When you look ahead and it's scary, empty, nothing like you imagined? Well, I don't know what you do. Obviously if I did I wouldn't be writing this blog.
Thankfully, even in (probably especially in) my time of brokenness - the Lord shows Himself alone to be worthy of my heart. He knows me at the core and hasn't rejected me. He still loves me. When I think about the empty rocking chair of my old age (that sounds melodramatic!) - He's there. When I think about health decisions that might need to be made for me - He's there. The words from the song were a reminder to me today. A gentle reminder. Not a scolding. A tender call to let down my guard and allow myself to accept His desire to have me near.
At the Pacific Science Center we saw naked mole rats. My Biology class has their own version of nakedness...skinned frogs. We began studying muscles today. The kids are thrilled, can you tell?
My little "G" is getting right into things, after initially being terrified about the whole process. "K" is a good and patient teacher.
I have nothing to write about. I've visited my blog every day with an intent to post something - but there's nothing I want to say. School is okay. Home is okay. Life is okay. I've lost my camera so I can't take pictures. Sometimes picture journaling captures my thoughts pretty accurately but I can't do that without a camera. Sigh. I'm just marking time. There is more ahead. I am certain of it. In the meantime I am trying to make the most of what's in front of me - here and now. It all seems insignificant but to quote my favorite movie phrase, "To the person you gave your seat to, it mattered a great deal." I hope so. I think Helen Keller would have been a kindred spirit had I met her. She said she longed to do great things but it was her chief task to do small things as if they were great. I will try.
