Need

I had music playing in the background on my computer today when the words of a song captured my attention:

You knew that I'd need a Savior.

I've been in kind of a funk for about a year. Living through loss. Learning how to go through the motions. Acting like I've got it all together when inside, most moments are a struggle. When someone you love dies - a hole is left where they used to be but at least you have the comfort of knowing that person loved you. When she died, she wasn't rejecting you. She was going Home. You remained precious and adored til the very end. The sorrow is great but there are things to which we can hold that bring comfort.

When a relationship dies, there is no such comfort. There is rejection. A feeling of finding yourself lacking. A person who knew you better than anyone decided you weren't worth the effort it takes to make a relationship succeed. It is a devastating blow. When a married couple divorces, it is the death of a partnership that was supposed to last forever. The person didn't die. They chose to leave. And yet - even in divorce - there are support groups. People expect you to be sad. Those that love you hurt for you. They try to support you. They know that dreams have been shattered. What do you do when you aren't married? When the relationship you lost isn't as visible? There aren't vows friends take to stick with each other 'til death separates us. There aren't ties of blood that bind us. Yet, I believe God provides in a special way for His single children. The friendships can be deeper, the ties can be stronger, the commitments can be more intense. What happens when that is gone?

The person to whom I gave written instructions for my health care, should I become unable to make decisions, won't even know I'm in the hospital. The person to whom I gave details of my funeral probably won't even know when I die. The person who was supposed to sit in a white rocker on a front porch surrounded by lilacs when we were old and widowed has chosen to be absent from my future. What do you do with those feelings of rejection? Of helplessness? Of despair? Of ANGER? When you look ahead and it's scary, empty, nothing like you imagined? Well, I don't know what you do. Obviously if I did I wouldn't be writing this blog.

Thankfully, even in (probably especially in) my time of brokenness - the Lord shows Himself alone to be worthy of my heart. He knows me at the core and hasn't rejected me. He still loves me. When I think about the empty rocking chair of my old age (that sounds melodramatic!) - He's there. When I think about health decisions that might need to be made for me - He's there. The words from the song were a reminder to me today. A gentle reminder. Not a scolding. A tender call to let down my guard and allow myself to accept His desire to have me near.

You knew that I'd need a Savior.